Grief

I've been dipping in and out of grief lately: unexplained, for no (apparent) reason, deep. It's a pressure behind my eyes, a heaviness in my tearducts, a compression in my lungs. I'd like to cry, but at most I can well up. Rarely does a tear slip out onto my face.

It's complicated, since much of it isn't mine, or directly related to me. It's not the black dog, either: that's a separate state. A heaviness: so much death and suffering around me. Not a battlefield, but a hospital. And there's nothing, nothing I can do to help directly: except, perhaps, suffer alongside. Take some of the heaviness: lift it up. I can carry a lot. I do think it's part of my job, my assignment, in this lifetime: to carry some of this for other people (not everyone, not all the time, or I would be a pancake rather than a person).

I'm not in this feeling all my day: I'm a fairly merry person at work. But the wave comes up; and really my best option is to feel it, and let it go. Release it, when I can. Know that this is helpful, to someone somewhere, so I'm useful.

More tomorrow, from a different perspective: what is this? and what do we do with it?

the power of nourishment

Another important lesson for me. Today I spoke to a woman, significantly older than I am, who was vibrant and so alive. Her teaching? The morning green drink. After work (don't ask, but thanks for the thought), I went to the organic market to pick up vegetables. Tonight, I cooked a Thai vegetable dish -- oh, mushrooms, bok choy!, lime juice, coconut milk, garlic!, the endless pleasure -- and devoured two servings. Now, I feel great. My circumstances haven't changed one jot. But my body is happy, since it was properly fed.

Proper feeding. What is that for you? What food makes you happy after you've eaten it? What really gives your body what it needs? For me, sometimes it's a big piece of dead animal -- I love a rare steak like nothing else. I'm also learning the vegetable teaching: lots of them make me happy, too.

depression...........

....can be just a lack of food. At least for me. Had a horrible day at work. Came home dragging and slept for a while. Finally, after dinner...........I perked up. Hadn't eaten all day.

Not very inspiring, I know, but it's what I've got tonight.

Regularity

...seems to be a key to the visioning process. Someone wrote, "Be regular in your life that you may be wild and uncompromising in your art" or something like that. (Turgenev?) I'm finding that a regular job, with hours and duties having nothing to do with my mystical life, seems to provide a basis for the visions. Now, to add regular exercise and regular food.

The more stable I become, the easier it is to allow the top of my head to open and new information to pour in. Or just let the top off, and suddenly I'm out there, amongst the stars, in the river of truth and joy.

Or something. Still figuring it out.

a very late start.....

...to whichever day it is.

There is a beautiful wind of energy blowing through the mid-Atlantic right now. I hope it's blowing through your world, too. Open, clear, pure, this wind blows the cobwebs and the worries out of your heart, leaving only an expansive feeling behind it. You're drifting, quiet and serene, along with this energy. Your heart will stay expanded for a few days, and there's be a continuing sense of expansion.

Be well, my dears.

Only my commitment......

....to 37 days brings me to the keyboard tonight. My sciatic nerve is on my right leg is talking to me. A long day spent too much at the desk. (Oh, German sentence construction, I hardly knew ye.) Nonetheless, wave upon wave of joy during the day. Did some heavy space clearing at the beginning of my work day and I was grinning. One of my etheric clients needed a session, and those are full of love. Full moon lasts for three days, and tonight is the third.

Daughter is "making a complete mess" (her words) so I need to clean it up. Be well, get some rest, hydrate: you know the drill.

Tomorrow, I will be coherent.












PS. Sorry about the postus previa earlier. And for my lousy Latin.

After a very social evening...........

Passover was great, thanks for asking. Lots of laughing, people doing shtick, drinking deep of the red wine. I don't think I'm particularly social, and I love a good meal with fun, intelligent people.

Sometimes I get antisocial. I just want to hunker down and be left alone, dammit. Some of it is healthy: the desire of this organism to be out of the social group, re-discovering who I am in relation to the notobject and to myself. Other times, it's an attempt to not feel or think about things.

If you're feeling antisocial, try to figure out why. Look out the window, take a few deep breaths, and let the feelings come up. If they feel too uncomfortable, please know: it really is better for you to feel those feelings, let them flow through you, than to push them down. It's a lesson I'd love for you to learn by trying it out now, than to go through the suffering of discovering this through hard experience.

I have a dear friend whose primary mode is the mind. ("Feelings, Spock?") But lightning sheets of feeling go through him, too, and I believe that he feels them and lets them go. No matter what your primary mode is -- feeling, thinking, sensing, perceiving (go re-read your Jung) -- you can feel your way out of an anti-social period.

And sometimes, of course, an antisocial period is the psyche's way of protecting you against the depridations of the world. That's another subject..........